The ‘L’ word

Posted on by Sparta

I have seen bad relationships. But my first and worst was watching my mother leaving father because he cheated on her. And it was the night I figured out what these fights were all about all these past months. My mom had discovered about him. My poor gullible thing believed in him all these 12 years of marriage. I couldn’t understand why would anybody cheat, why be in a marriage if you are going to cheat but something seeded in me with this unveiling.  But the image of him as a hero in my head shattered into pieces. I don’t know, maybe I was just too extreme in taking that blow as it was nothing something unusual I haven’t seen in this world. They are still together faking it all. I can see the fragmentation and damage in their eyes still. But when I was taking my baby steps and was trying myself to remove the baggage that wasn’t mine, I met with another hard blow. ‘She’ was my first at 17. And like any other dumb-headed lover boy. I dream’t of having a life with her, saw that bigger picture and day-dreamed of soulmates made in heaven. I mean she was more than what I deserved and I knew it. But throughout the relationship i had extreme ups and downs there was no in-between, this happened for 4 years and it completely drained my soul to the point i stopped feeling anything let alone love, I wanted to make it work so bad, After seeing my parent, i wanted to make work so fucking bad, but something died in me, something that I haven’t regained till now. Something in me came to a standstill. No I did not cry, I mean i did cry my eyes before it happened multiple times but i when i hit that time then I did not cry. because I stopped feeling in that very instant. I don’t know maybe I knew somewhere subconsciously that this was going to happen. Never really figured it out why where others break at these moments, I was standing stronger and stronger. She was my everything at that moment  and the next they were non-existing. And I put in all his efforts to get her back. I know she did. But I was really done with love. The first girl of my life sucked the love out of me that I never really felt it again. Or you can say that the fear, distrust and disappointment forced love to dwell somewhere in the darkness where I was incapable of finding it. It is not as if I didn’t try to retain love in me. But with every random the assurance of incapability grew stronger. There may be true love or whatever they call it now. But it didnt really feel like it anymore. It has been my thing ever since. The only ‘L’ word I believed onwards was Lust and not Love. Nobody made me feel ready for approaching towards love. I needed/needs patience that nobody gave. And ran like a  scary little rabbit when the poachers came. Now I just tell them not to love me. They think it is some plot that I am presenting to lure them till they face the facts themselves and had to go away empty handed. I’ve seen myself leaving girls broken, because what else do you expect from someone like me but recently i met someone tho, and she kinda makes me go hehe in my chest so idk what’s that about.

I’m afraid

Posted on by Sparta

I’m a girl. And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to express

To make a choice

To go out

To speak

To marry

I’m afraid to laugh

I’m afraid to cry

I’m afraid to be beautiful

I’m afraid not to be beautiful

I’m afraid to have feelings for someone

I’m afraid of shame

I’m afraid of my father

My mother

My family

I’m afraid of job

My boss

My colleagues

I’m afraid of strangers

I’m afraid of my body

I’m afraid of hiding

I’m afraid to reveal

To open

To close

Afraid of my hair

Afraid of his hands

Afraid of touching

Afraid to be touched

I’m afraid of future

Of past

Of present

I’m afraid to see

So, I close my eyes

 I’m afraid of death

So I live to pretend

I’m afraid to make friends

I’m afraid to love

To be loved

I’m afraid of having fun

I’m afraid of crossing limits

I’m afraid of taking risk

And to explore

I’m afraid to sleep

To eat

To drink

I’m afraid to act

I’m afraid to be still

What am I?

Am I alive?

Or am I dead?

I’m beyond that

I’m a girl. And I’m afraid

I’m afraid to be a burden

I’m afraid to breath

I’M AFRAID TO BE BORN

I’M AFRAID TO BE A GIRL

I AM TIRED.

Finding a closure.

Posted on by Sparta

For all I’ve been through in life, what i’ve learned is that I can heal and move on. What makes us human is our emotions. WE FEEL. When we lose someone we love, yes, it hurts. It hurts so much that some goes to depression, and others like me, put a strong bold face and go deep into denial that it didn’t hurt. But thanks to some people I left abandoned. They came back and made me realize that I can accept how much hurt I am. It will not make me weak, instead, happier and less burdened.

How do you transit from the place of pain to a place of healing?

Don’t run away from your feelings. Accept them and feel them. Denial is never a solution. You have to accept that you’re hurt. Acknowledge your feelings. Maybe you’re too much hurt of being backstabbed or heartbroken, maybe you’re feelings were assaulted by a total stranger or a close one. Identify what you feel. Give yourself permission to feel them. Get mad if you’re mad. Allow yourself to feel hurt if you’re hurt. Cry if you want to cry. Don’t try to fix your feelings with false causes and blames.

Let your feelings OUT. What happens to a pressure cooker with too much pressure? It burst out. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t bottle up your emotions to an extent that they hamper you. Don’t let your own emotions damage you. Emotions are so powerful that even you can’t handle your own emotions. Escape this mode of self-destruction. Escape it through letting your heart out to a friend, scribble up your emotions on a paper or write a blog *ehem ehem*. Flush yourself out of that negative energy and use it in a productive way. Cherish the positive moments. In case of depression or denial, it’s not about the negative feelings, but the positive too. You ignore the assertive moments in your life. DON’T DO THAT. So when I say let your emotions out, that means the positive one too. Tell your friends how much you love them, do things for your family, put in yourself in what you love.

Give yourself time. A “Me Time” is a necessity. Give yourself time to heal and move on. Don’t rush into things or it will make things worse for you. Just like a physical wound, emotional healing is a gradual process. Be patient. Spend time with people you love and things you do rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Embrace and value things you have. Don’t look at the glass as half empty but as half filled.

Forgive. Even if you can’t get an apology you always waited for or you so deserved, but try and put that burden of anger and expectation off your shoulders. Believe me, you’ll feel much lighter. This extracted burden of emotions will only weigh you down. So try envisioning a future, a happy future, even if the amount of loss is traumatic. You’re does not end. There’s always time to do things. Learn were you went wrong that caused this situation. Accept your own mistakes too.

Give your situation a formal resolution and get closer to closure. Smile