The ‘L’ word

I have seen bad relationships. But my first and worst was watching my mother leaving father because he cheated on her. And it was the night I figured out what these fights were all about all these past months. My mom had discovered about him. My poor gullible thing believed in him all these 12 years of marriage. I hated him. I despised him. And I know it is wrong to distrust all men for the sins of one, but something seeded in me with this unveiling. From the moment I attained a conscious I saw him as my saviour and my hero (like most of the girls do). But that image shattered into pieces. I don’t know, maybe I was just too extreme in taking that blow as it was nothing something unusual I haven’t seen in this world. They are still together faking it all. I can see the fragmentation and damage in their eyes still. But when I was taking my baby steps and was trying myself to remove the baggage that wasn’t mine, I met with another hard blow. ‘He’ was my first at 17. And like any other dumb-headed pony-dreaming school girl I dreamt of having a life with him, saw that bigger picture and day-dreamed of soulmates made in heaven. I mean he was more than what I deserved and I knew it. But when I saw him kiss another girl, something died in me that moment, something that I haven’t regained till now. Something in me came to a standstill. No I did not cry, because I stopped feeling in that very instant. I don’t know maybe I knew somewhere subconsciously that this was going to happen. Never really figured it out why where others break at these moments, I was standing stronger and stronger. He was my everything at that moment (same as my father was) and the next they were non-existing. And he put in all his efforts to get me back. I know he did. But I was really done with love. The first two men of my life sucked the love out of me that I never really felt it again. Or you can say that the fear, distrust and disappointment forced love to dwell somewhere in the darkness where I was incapable of finding it. It is not as if I didn’t try to retain love in me. But with every failing relationship the assurance of incapability grew stronger. There may be true love or whatever they call it now days. But I wasn’t really meant for it. It has been my thing ever since. The only ‘L’ word I believed onwards was Lust and not Love. Nobody made me feel ready for approaching towards love. I needed/needs patience that nobody gave. And ran like a  scary little rabbit when the poachers came. Now I just tell them not to love me. They think it is some plot that I am presenting to lure them till they face the facts themselves and had to go away empty handed. I’ve seen myself leaving men broken forever. I don’t hate men, but I would sooner let the man in my pants than into my heart.

I’m afraid

I’m a girl. And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to express

To make a choice

To go out

To speak

To marry

I’m afraid to laugh

I’m afraid to cry

I’m afraid to be beautiful

I’m afraid not to be beautiful

I’m afraid to have feelings for someone

I’m afraid of shame

I’m afraid of my father

My mother

My family

I’m afraid of job

My boss

My colleagues

I’m afraid of strangers

I’m afraid of my body

I’m afraid of hiding

I’m afraid to reveal

To open

To close

Afraid of my hair

Afraid of his hands

Afraid of touching

Afraid to be touched

I’m afraid of future

Of past

Of present

I’m afraid to see

So, I close my eyes

 I’m afraid of death

So I live to pretend

I’m afraid to make friends

I’m afraid to love

To be loved

I’m afraid of having fun

I’m afraid of crossing limits

I’m afraid of taking risk

And to explore

I’m afraid to sleep

To eat

To drink

I’m afraid to act

I’m afraid to be still

What am I?

Am I alive?

Or am I dead?

I’m beyond that

I’m a girl. And I’m afraid

I’m afraid to be a burden

I’m afraid to breath

I’M AFRAID TO BE BORN

I’M AFRAID TO BE A GIRL

I AM TIRED.

Finding a closure.

For all I’ve been through in life, what i’ve learned is that I can heal and move on. What makes us human is our emotions. WE FEEL. When we lose someone we love, yes, it hurts. It hurts so much that some goes to depression, and others like me, put a strong bold face and go deep into denial that it didn’t hurt. But thanks to some people I left abandoned. They came back and made me realize that I can accept how much hurt I am. It will not make me weak, instead, happier and less burdened.

How do you transit from the place of pain to a place of healing?

Don’t run away from your feelings. Accept them and feel them. Denial is never a solution. You have to accept that you’re hurt. Acknowledge your feelings. Maybe you’re too much hurt of being backstabbed or heartbroken, maybe you’re feelings were assaulted by a total stranger or a close one. Identify what you feel. Give yourself permission to feel them. Get mad if you’re mad. Allow yourself to feel hurt if you’re hurt. Cry if you want to cry. Don’t try to fix your feelings with false causes and blames.

Let your feelings OUT. What happens to a pressure cooker with too much pressure? It burst out. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t bottle up your emotions to an extent that they hamper you. Don’t let your own emotions damage you. Emotions are so powerful that even you can’t handle your own emotions. Escape this mode of self-destruction. Escape it through letting your heart out to a friend, scribble up your emotions on a paper or write a blog *ehem ehem*. Flush yourself out of that negative energy and use it in a productive way. Cherish the positive moments. In case of depression or denial, it’s not about the negative feelings, but the positive too. You ignore the assertive moments in your life. DON’T DO THAT. So when I say let your emotions out, that means the positive one too. Tell your friends how much you love them, do things for your family, put in yourself in what you love.

Give yourself time. A “Me Time” is a necessity. Give yourself time to heal and move on. Don’t rush into things or it will make things worse for you. Just like a physical wound, emotional healing is a gradual process. Be patient. Spend time with people you love and things you do rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Embrace and value things you have. Don’t look at the glass as half empty but as half filled.

Forgive. Even if you can’t get an apology you always waited for or you so deserved, but try and put that burden of anger and expectation off your shoulders. Believe me, you’ll feel much lighter. This extracted burden of emotions will only weigh you down. So try envisioning a future, a happy future, even if the amount of loss is traumatic. You’re does not end. There’s always time to do things. Learn were you went wrong that caused this situation. Accept your own mistakes too.

Give your situation a formal resolution and get closer to closure. Smile

The voice of a mute.

ImageHistory witness women subjugation. But it does not witness any change. Many will argue that there has been a change, women have been emancipated. Why, I say, then women have to suffer. I read newspaper, and there is not a single day without the news of rape. Rape is rather complex crime to bring, I’d say, just look into your own houses for instances of women subordination. It gives me real hard time to gulp the fact that I, being a girl, has been denied most of the rights. Why do women don’t just “get” what they want, rather have to fight and “take” that forcefully. Even the pettiest of the matters become a “revolutionary” demand for this no-mercy-to-women society.

ImageIt has been a struggle. It all starts with the struggle to LIVE. Being a mother has been described the greatest feeling ever. The title of being a nurture. To…

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Can’t find a way? Make one..

Image“The best man for the job is a woman”

Gone are the days when people used to cry over a girl child. Gone are the days when girls were just a burden/curse. Okay, are you sure those days are gone? Widen up your vision and turn around, nothing’s really changed. Just a black over-coat covered to conceal the real face of this hypocritical society. Everything is still, but hidden. We are too busy leading a comfortable life till we see something really Oh-my-god-i-cant-believe-this-happened. And what next? A “nautanki” of a week or so at blah blah place. Among these protester are the “potential criminals” or loafers who “pity” on these incidents because they have nothing else to do. Bummer.Image

You really that desperate to change the society? Mind you. Change does not come when you have double standards. I mean, come on, one side you “show” that you are fighting…

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90 MINS OF EXISTENCE.

“Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.” -Bill Shankly

fifa-world-cup-2010-

17 June, 2012. The day Didier Drogba arrived in Delhi. I saw him. I felt him. So close, yet so far. It was like being close enough to touch your dream into reality but you are so overwhelmed that you miss the chance. We see a crazy fan doing crazy things for his team and we sit back thinking why would someone do that for a game? Well, love has no boundaries. And this is no movie romance I’m talking about. It’s The love, the possession you live for, your daily feed, your reason to survive.

Most exciting moments of my life, I share with this game. The most breath-taking, heart stopping experiences ever seen through naked eyes. You just don’t know what is going on around you. Its just you and your team. Every game feels like a finale. Like a battle. That bracing drama of 90 minutes, 22 men chasing one ball and millions of fans sharing the same moment. I tell you people, the feeling of a fan during a game is not less than that of the player. Following your team become the most important thing in your life. It modifies, effects your actions, your mood.  It is as if he is playing the game along with those 22. For that very moment, and for the rest of the moments in life, that game becomes his religion, these players become his Gods.aljaz_boys

Football is loaded with all the drama. It has the ability to inspire and unite. It feels like a role-play, a real life role-play, where everybody is performing their part and it a war that we have to win. It is saturated with comedy, action, emotions, blood menace, racism, politics and what not. It is everything that possibly be gorged together.

At the age of 14, encountered by this mesmerizing game and curiosity of understanding what is that which make people mad about it, I myself become one crazy fan. But hey! Calling a football fan “crazy” is understatement. My curiosity turned into insanity, insanity into passion, passion into obsession. Changing the day plans for it, bunking school, missing out college lectures, not studying for an exam next day, weeping, forging friendships, biting nails, eating up cigarette (meant to smoke), jumping to every goal, shouting, swearing aloud, no matter what or who is there, were just after-affects. And yes, that sense of pride reflected on the face when your team won. Everything appears so realistic that those goosebumps shake every part of your body. This game is orgasmic. And all of this for the sake of those 22 sweating men.teams-ready-for-world-cup

So if I make myself a materialistic object with no blood running into my body, no heart to feel, no mind to react, a walking dead, than I can say in most practical terms that Football is just a game. Of course, none of the world’s illness can ever be cured with just a goal. Nobody’s actually going to die with a free kick. So, to be coldly rational, yes, football is nothing more or less than a game. But here’s an interesting fact people! We are humans! And we have a capability of bonding, irrespective of the object of affection. And we cannot judge things on cold rationality, because if we did, our Bollywood would have never been so successful in making billions, music would have been just words put together in rhythm and sex would be some mechanical act to reproduce for the human race, no passion, no love involved, no feelings attached and pretty undignified. Everything in life would’ve been cursory.

A football match emerges out as a scene of epic discourse with enormous revolutionaries. No, not exaggeration if you ask a fan. We love, enjoy and create a sense of belonging towards football, music, movies etc. because we understand them not merely as a sum of logic, but as an experience that magically transcend us and make us feel something out of ordinary. I know, it is hard for a non-football fan to gulp in all these feelings. But to actually get all of it, you have to be on the other side of the picture, otherwise it’s dumb to even imagine by merely reading this.

Football is a whole of everything in itself. It can act as a stereotype racist bitch or a melodramatic movie. Take any random theory out of this universe and football fits it well. It’s unwise to underestimate the endowment by calling it “just a game”.

messiSo, next time beware of the person who comes back dejected from an unjust 1-0 defeat and you’re on a cusp of saying to him,“ hey, it’s just a game”. You’re sooo dead! Consider yourself bombarded with an extra ordinary outburst of emotions full of drama and exaggeration, which is, completely justifiable according to me. Nothing annoys a fan quite bad as understating his obsession.

Man : The Creator of God.

God, man’s best fictional character ever created by him. Just like Superman, Spider-man, Hanuman. So, we believe there’s a supreme power that exists above us all. But I’m not satisfied with all your believing  methods  people preach to that Almighty. I don’t believe that this supreme being we have such a faith in, has created, guided and controlled the universe. And if you have any doubts on what i believe, don’t expect me to provide you any explanations. Study Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species, read Sohan Swami’s Commonsense, and of course, our very own history.

Now, consider yourself in the most challenging and torturing situation, the worst one of your nightmares. What is the first thing you do? You are afraid, you need help. And you call for help to that God. Why? Is he going to do something miraculous he never did before? Or he’s going to click his fingers or wave his magic wand to bring you out of your misery? While you inquire yourself with these answers, let’s take a recent example of Kasab. Do you think in all that misery of his, he didn’t persuade himself to offer the prayers to God regularly?

So what is it all about? Our own selfish motives?? What is the consolation with the exceptions of the idea that you’ll be going to sacrifice your life for a cause? A God-believing Hindu might be expecting a re-carnation or reborn as a king. A Muslim or a Christian might dream of luxuries to be enjoyed in paradise and rewards he is to get for his sufferings and sacrifices. But what about an Atheist? You people who believe in God, how do you see an Atheist? A sinner ? He cannot be a sinner. Because as far as I’ve understood the prevailing ideologies of God, he loves everybody. Even the baddest child of his. So, how can someone be judged on how good or bad he is by this mere idea of atheism? This atheist maybe a social worker who mends the lives of those neglected by all those God-believers. Whattay hypocrisy. That is what the society always do. When they find some of the rising questions against the traditions and norms, they suppress them by putting them into a negative limelight. Ain’t you people who believe in God suppose to follow the path preached by your own very god? Double facets is what can be termed for people. When it comes to our own convenience, we alter what we propagate.

Our belief softens the hardships. It can even make them pleasant. In God, man can find very strong consolation and support. To stand upon one’s own legs amid storms and hurricanes is not a child’s play. And at those challenging moments, all the vanity of man evaporates and cannot dare to defy himself without serving the prayers because he sees no way out and the only thing he expects at that moment is a miracle. But what about an Atheist? With no selfish motives, or desires, an Atheist contributes his life to reasoning. And the day we will be able to find a number of men and women with this psychology who cannot devote themselves to anything else than the services of mankind and emancipation of the suffering humanity, that day shall pioneer the era of liberty. There should be a freedom of mind. Free from all prejudices and blind belief. Criticism and independent thinking are the necessitous of a human being. We block these by blindfolding our eyes with the mental stagnation  This mentality does not lead us towards progress. Because our forefathers has set up a faith in some supreme being, it is this faith that led to the Creation of God. And anyone who dares to challenge the validity of this faith or the existence of God, is termed as apostate. And when this rationality of an Atheist is too sound to refute or counterpart, his spirit and intellectual is termed as Vanity.

Philosophy is the outcome of human weakness and limitations of knowledge”

Our ancestors created this philosophy of Almighty God, too curious to solve the mysteries of this universe and very short of direct proofs and scientific logic  And now, we have proofs withstanding in front of us, we are too lazy to introspect their philosophy  And if we assume the existence of God. Why so many subdivisions? Instead of using the intellectual, people try to find the mysterious problems of this universe by raising the hue and cry of faith, an outcome of our own lethargic minds.

Why would a God, who has all the ultimate powers, try to make a man’s life miserable? Why would he create this world a veritable hell? Why such numberless tragedies? Why, MAN, his own creation, is not perfect? What is the justification to all these questions? What? To punish the sins of previous birth? How many of you actually have proofs of your rebirth or re-carnation  Please, don’t quote puranas in front of me. I have no intention to step into the mythologies. And what about Muslims and Christians who don’t believe in re-carnation  But what exactly is the motive behind all this? Why to create an imperfect world, with imperfect souls? To seek pleasure? Where then, is the difference between him and us?

Today, the greatest sin in this world is to be poor. Poverty is a sin, it is a punishment. A man born in a poor and illiterate family. He is poor, hence doesn’t have money to study. He’s being hated and shooed by his fellow beings who consider themselves to be supreme class because they are born rich. His ignorance, his poverty, ill treatment towards him might make him cold blooded. And suppose he commits a crime, a sin. Tell me clearly, who is to be blamed? God, he or those upper class people? So, God deliberately makes a man been born in a poor family, persuaded by the very consequences created by our very own god to commit a sin, who was being punished for his previous sins, and now again will have to suffer miserable next life? What about the punishment of those upper class who compelled him and kept him in ignorance? What is this? God finds leisure in man’s misery? Is he a sadist?

Why it is that the definition of God varies? As Zora Hurston said “God always behave like the people who created them.” God is nothing but merely a byproduct of their own thoughts and interpretations. And because of this individuality, we have countless forms of Gods, each one having its own existence and identity. It is all because of this we have conflicting religions.

My dear friends, this whole concept of GOD, HEAVEN, HELL, SINS, SINNERS, PUNISHMENT, RE-CARNATION  PARADISE are nothing but the creation of our own mind, by the very existing human race. And to be specific, the privileged ones. Its just a philosophy well developed with countless loopholes. And our minds tired enough to neglect those loopholes.

No more mysticism, no more blind faith. Just a clear conception of our actions is what we need.